True Love & Chastity

"Why wait?" Consider your innocence to be a gift from God to you. You can now choose to give this treasure of purity to whomever you wish. This tract will help in making the decision of who will receive that gift of yourself. One's purity is given to him/her in a locked safe, so to speak. The more one leaves in there, the greater the joy will be to share it all on one's wedding night. It is no fun to open the safe on the wedding night, only to see a roll of pennies yet to be given out. Premarital sex dampens the wedding night experience, and robs it of both sanctity and anticipation. So, virginity is not meant to be "lost," as if it has been misplaced somewhere. It is to be given as gift to the one who deserves it, and God has made one person on earth deserving of this great gift-one's spouse. Waiting to have sex until marriage will bring about countless benefits. For one, when a couple's love is pure, the two are clearly able to see what they love each other for. Chastity does away with manipulation and mind games that are often played to get the other into bed. Chastity frees one to see what he/she is loved for, and teaches one that he/she is worth waiting for. On the other hand, sin blurs one's vision, and while pretending to unite, succeeds only in dividing the couple, making them feel alienated and scarred. Purity truly unites two people in love, while premarital sex is a superficial intimacy that is a lie in the language of the body. One's body is saying, "I love you, and give myself entirely to you," but the couple makes no promise to do this in reality by marriage. It is saying, "I give myself entirely to you… until I move on to another person to do the same thing to them." The sexual embrace tells the other "I am entirely yours," and unless the two are married, that embrace is a lie.

"How far is too far?"-wrong question to ask. Asking how far you can go without sinning is much like asking, "How far can I carry my girlfriend in my arms to the edge of the Grand Canyon, without us actually falling off?" If you are asking this question, you are evidently not concerned with your life, or the well being of your date. So, the question should not be, "How far can I go without sinning?," but "How far can I go to respect and honor my date, leading him/her to purity." If this attitude is adopted, then the couple becomes truly free to love the other as God has willed. Pope John Paul II said that the more responsibility one feels for his beloved, the more true love there is. So, a true man should be able to promise to his girlfriend that he will carry her soul safely into the arms of God, not into the slavery of sin. Embracing this responsibility is true love. As a practical measure, someone is most likely dating the person you will one day marry. How far is too far for him? Regarding specifics, passionate kissing, marital embraces, and lustful petting physiologically prepare the body for intercourse. To begin these without completing the marital act is teasing the body, and feeding flames that will end up burning you. To begin these acts without being married and able to complete them in the marital act is much like sitting in a car in the garage, and revving up the engine, while having no intention of leaving the driveway. What is one doing in the car if not to drive it as it was made to do? Likewise, one's body should not be led into passionate arousal, while marriage is still years down the road. That passion and excitement is like glue for the marriage. If you share it with everyone before marriage, then the binding force of such intimacy will have been lost by the time it is needed to hold a man and wife together for life.

"Everyone else is doing it!" If we desire to follow others into the practice of premarital sex, we will end up following them into the divorce court as well. In fact, 75% of couples who live together before marriage get divorced within three years of their wedding date. This is because courtship is intended as a time for the young man and woman to build the foundation of their love. Premarital sex skips this, and jumps immediately into the privileges of marital intimacy. This leaves the foundation of the relationship weak, immature, and ready to collapse, since it is founded upon the gratification of physical pleasure. Couples who cannot remain chaste prior to marriage often find marital fidelity to be a great burden. This is because they did not sacrifice to learn self-discipline prior to marriage, and so are not prepared to deny themselves other relations once they are committed to a single person. Therefore, sexual self-discipline is training for marital fidelity. If one does not learn this before marriage, one should not expect to easily master it during. "I'm being good as long as I don't have sex." This is perhaps the most dangerous mindset, and can lead a person to great impurities. For example, "Susan" knows that all of her friends are "sexually active," and so she thinks that as long as she does not give away her virginity, she is being a good and virtuous woman. As time progresses, she finds herself falling into various serious sins with men she dates, while retaining only her physical virginity. She justifies it all by calling to mind her friends that are doing worse things with their boyfriends. Susan eventually meets the man she wants to marry, but by then is in need of tremendous healing for all that she gave of herself those years. One should not ever compare one's self with those deeper in sin. One should look only to Christ, and how one measures up to his standard. Doing so will save the heart from many wounds. This kind of thinking is also dangerous, because it presupposes that "Chastity" simply means "not having sex." Virginity is not only of the body, but of the heart and mind as well. So, any and all actions and thoughts that are not pure are an offense against the dignity and greatness of the gift of virginity. Jesus tells us in Matt 5:28 that "everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart." But, a life of happiness can't be based solely upon "thou shalt nots." Purity indeed involves "no's," but purity is essentially a "YES" to true love, and an emphatic "NO" to all its counterfeits. Chastity is energy through grace that makes you capable of defending love from selfishness and aggressiveness. It is sexual self-control and forgetting one's self for the sake of true self-giving to the one true love of one's life. This is not a one time decision, however, but must be affirmed each time it is challenged and tempted. The more the virtue is practiced, the easier it becomes, and the more love you will feel for the one you are waiting for. The joy of purity will bring incredible freedom.

"Who does it hurt?" First and foremost, sins of impurity pierce the heart of Christ, who wants us to come to know true love in Him. Secondly, mortal sin kills the life of God in one's soul. It warps our ability to love and to lead others to God. One will never be able to get close at all to God as long as impurity is in his/her life. For this reason, the Bible tells us, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God" (Mt 5:8). Impurity destroys faith. Thirdly, premarital sex causes the other person to sin as well, and scars them from giving their future spouse the gift of a clean body, heart, and mind. Lastly, it hurts the parents, and will pain the future spouse of the person one is dating.

"What about Masturbation or Pornography?" Masturbation should be considered loveless sex. It is entirely a selfish act, and does not serve to suppress any sexual desires. Rather, it makes the mind and body expect sexual gratification immediately. Man is not an animal, and has the capacity to control himself. If a man does not have self-mastery and control, then he is not capable of truly giving himself to a woman, for he cannot give what he does not possess. So, if a man cannot lead himself to purity, then he will not be capable of leading a woman there. Self-giving love is impossible unless you are chaste, and so a real man desires the holiness of women, and is willing to courageously sacrifice his own desires to bring this about. He should rather die than lead his woman to sin. This is why the word "virtue" comes from a Latin root, meaning "manly strength." One can live up to this virtue simply because "I have the strength for everything through Him who empowers me" (Phil 4:13). Pornography is especially dangerous, and it trains the mind to see women as sexual objects. True love involves sacrifice and commitment. Pornography, however, teaches a man that women are disposable objects that can be discarded once they fail to sufficiently interest him. Ted Bundy, the serial killer and rapist, confessed that all of his crimes stemmed from soft-core pornography. He went on to testify that almost 100% of his inmates said that this was also the root of their downfalls. In one sentence, Pornography is the perfect way to shoot your future marriage in the head. It teaches a man to look at all women impurely, comparing them all to the ideal images formed from the models he has seen. The man learns that women have been created for his pleasure. This causes tremendous strain in marriage, since the wives are compared to the models and expected to cause as much excitement for the husband. They are placed under great pressure, and the love as a whole suffers because the spouse's self image is destroyed. In reality, St. Paul tells men that they must be willing to crucify themselves to lead the woman to holiness (Eph 5). Pornography keeps a man in adolescence, creating a selfish boy in a man's body. The titles of videos and literature as "adult" or strip joints as being a "gentleman's club" could not be further from reality. A woman would be hard pressed to find a true man in either locale. Either man governs his passions, or he is dominated by them by them, and remains a boy. If you are reading this, and own pornography of any kind, then for the love of your future family, trash it immediately.

"I may dress immodestly, but I don't have sex." Men can tell very easily how much a woman respects herself, based upon how she is dressed. If she dresses as if her body is the greatest value she has to offer, then men will treat her accordingly. If one fishes with a heavy lure and the appropriate bait, one can expect to catch bottom-feeding fish. Likewise, a woman should not be surprised if she dresses immodestly, and attracts men that wish to use her. Whatever a woman wins a man with, she will keep him with. If she wins him with her body, then as long as he has access to it, she will keep him. If she wins him with her money, then he'll stay as long as it does. If she wins him with her soul, and who she is as a person, then she will keep him, regardless of what happens to her figure or wallet Perhaps the most fascinating trait of women is their femininity. It is simply a mystery to men, and is something to be guarded at all costs. Modesty in dress preserves this mystery. For this reason, Pope John Paul II has said that the problem with pornography is not that it shows too much, but that it shows too little. This is due to the fact that nothing adorns the woman's soul with as much beauty as purity does. This purity is seen in modest dress, which is one large step towards happiness and security. Without this self-respect, one will be seen as an object, which drives happiness and peace far from the heart. The Blessed Mother is the ideal role model for women today. Frank Sheed once said of Mary, "She is the one whom every man loves when he loves a woman-whether he knows it or not. She is what every woman wants to be when she looks at herself. She is the woman whom every man marries in ideal when he takes a spouse; she is the secret desire every woman has to be honored and fostered; she is the way every woman wants to command respect and love because of the beauty of her goodness of body and soul. And this blueprint love, whom God loved before the world was made, this Dream Woman before women were, is the one of whom every heart can say in its depth of depths: 'She is the woman I love!'" So, the more one is like Mary, the more she is a woman.

"How do I avoid falling into sin?" Most of the battle to be fought is through avoiding occasions of sin. Alcohol and drugs are the gateway to many sins of impurity. These can easily influence one to commit sins that would be otherwise rejected immediately. These bring with them the ugly companions of shame and regret. Women often do not realize that males are generally much more tempted than females. For this reason, immodest dress, posture, and flirting can all seem playful at first, and can result in anything as serious as date rape. Most rapes and sins of impurity can be prevented by not getting into the situation to begin with. No girl is safe who easily permits men kiss her, since a man not interested in safeguarding her purity will generally take all she will give. With this in mind, the two should not be in places alone (at home with date, back seat, etc…) where impurities are likely to happen. God is fully present everywhere, but it is very helpful to invite Jesus to be with you at every moment of a date. Do not ask him to step out of the room for a few minutes. Chastity is impossible to do on your own, so pray often for the grace to be pure. It is very helpful each day to pray three Hail Mary's for purity of body, mind, and heart. Either the prayers will stop, or the impurity will. They cannot last long together, so persevere in prayer. Society and the media tells the youth that they can't live without sex-They'll explode! Purity is supposedly a repressive and oppressive burden that one cannot carry. In reality, virtue leads to happiness, and without it, the soul simply cannot know joy. Purity is far from burdensome, though. It frees the couple to love and looses the chains of sin. Chastity cannot exist as a virtue without the capacity to renounce self, to make sacrifices, and to wait. One woman wrote, "His abstinence from sex is one way to 'prove' his ability to be true to me. I would be so honored to find out that the man I want to marry has respected me enough - without even knowing me - to not have sex with anyone else but me." So, begin loving him/her today, before you even meet.

What if I have already fallen? If you have already given your virginity away, do not fear. Simply re-wrap the gift! This is called secondary virginity. In the Gospel, a woman is caught in great impurities, and is taken to the feet of Jesus to be killed. He does not condemn her, but forgives her, and calls her to go and sin no more. Sins of impurity cause deep scars, all of which Jesus can heal perfectly. Through the sacraments of Reconciliation and the Holy Eucharist, Jesus can make you whole again. Many who fall to sins of impurity seek to bury the sins under greater ones, so that the original wound will look smaller. This can only make the healing process longer and more difficult, though. One should run to Christ and His Immaculate Mother, and they will give you their purity, making you whole again. In the mean time, do not fear saying "no," and drawing lines. If the date loves you, then he/she will not pressure you to give him/her something. Love is not interested in what it gets. It is helpful to ask yourself, "What are my kisses worth?" Are they worth nothing more than a movie and dinner? If the dinner is fancy, do I have some sort of obligation to offer him more of myself? Not in the least! Those who dump you because you do not give in to their lust are not worthy of your attention to begin with. Do not remain in the relationship to be a hero, and save him from his childish ways. You will end up getting hurt. So, get used to saying the word "No," and as you say it, hear the word "YES" echo in your heart-that you are worth waiting for to be truly loved as you deserve. Many young women fear offending or losing their boyfriends if they do not yield to the young men's urges. This insecurity must be overcome if the woman is ever to be loved as she deserves. A man does not want to marry a woman who gives herself freely to men. This commands little respect, and a man will want more of a true woman to marry and help raise his family. By purity, the woman can inspire in a man the understanding of the sanctity and reverence that sex deserves.

Who will teach me how to love like this? Jesus, Mary, and Joseph are the perfect models of purity. They can give you all the grace necessary to live the love that God has planned for you. Do not let a day pass without asking them to guide and strengthen you to be holy. The Sacraments, the Rosary, and reading the Bible will prove to be the little stones that kill the Goliath of impurity in anyone's life.

"True Love?" Sadly, many women give sex to men for the sake of getting "love." On the other hand, the men seem to give "love" for the sake of getting sex from the women. God has created our hearts for something far greater than this confusion. Again, according to Pope John Paul II, true love says, "You are everything to me, I give myself totally to you forever." This is the commitment that springs from the heart of every person who is sincerely in love. True love involves waiting for a short time to bring about a great joy. The cost of not waiting will be apparent when one meets the love he/she should have waited for. One decision is priceless, and the other no one cannot afford.

What do I do now? Below is a promise to make to your future spouse. It is a promise of your fidelity to him/her before you meet. The day the two of you become one in the sacrament of matrimony, you can give this to him/her, to show how you have loved him/her long before you met. All good things are afforded through trial and suffering. If you want love and sex to be as good as it gets, then you must persevere in the waiting and save as much as you can. You have nothing to lose, everything to gain, and will have no regrets. Purity knows no regrets. Do not cheat your spouse of the precious gift of yourself - pure and clean. There is no greater gift you can offer. Pray for your spouse, that he/she will also be preserved from the deception of sin, and know that the Lord will join the two of you when He knows best (Jer 29:11). Sacrifice now, and in the meantime, know that God is never out-done in generosity.
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To my true love, I do not know yet who you are, but I long for the day we will meet. I think of you often, and am preparing myself in mind, heart, and body to be the perfect and pure spouse for you. Though I have made mistakes in the past, I now pledge to give myself to you and to no other. The gift of my virginity (wrapped or re-wrapped) now belongs only to you. This is the greatest gift I can offer to you, and so I make this commitment to God, to myself, to our families, and to our future children for love of you. Know that I have been praying for you, and I have been loving you.

X ________________________

Prayer for purity: Jesus, healer of all, Mary Immaculate, and Joseph, pure guardian of the Virgin, to you I come, begging for the grace to love as you all have loved. Make me pure of body, pure of mind, and pure of heart, that I might see God and know His perfect will for me. Make me clean, and heal me from the wounds of sin. Strengthen me to live the love that you call me to each day. I am weak, and my heart is not pure. Please take my heart, and place within me the most Sacred Heart of Jesus, and the Immaculate Heart of Mary, so that you can love through me. Hail Mary… AMEN.

Cohabitation: Question from Kathy Pike on 03-10-1999:

Under any circumstance is cohabitation morally right? My son state he is not having sex and does not intend on having sex until he is married to his girlfriend yet he intends to move in with her at the beginning of the next school year. He wants to know what commandment he is violating. Help!!!!!!!

Answered by Jason Evert on 03-15-1999:

Thanks for contacting us about this. The bottom line of this issue is that your son trusts himself too much. To lead another to purity, a man must have a healthy distrust of himself. Otherwise, he will place the other in many occasions of sin. Now, the Church does not say, "you may not cohabitate unless you really love the other." Everyone would have a license to cohabitate based upon emotions. The commandment not to commit adultery includes sharing in marital privileges prior to marriage. I would love to live with the young woman I am now dating, since all love desires union. However, living together is a gift reserved for those who have made a promise for life. Since we love each other, we must now learn the meaning of sacrifice. If a couple cannot learn to sacrifice before marriage, and they cohabitiate, studies show that 75% of them get a divorce within three years of when they do get married. I am sure each couple also said, "No not us. We are the 25%" I have written a tract below that will be of use (True Love & Chastity). God bless. Source: Global Catholic Network, Life on the Rock, Questions and Answers: http://www.ewtn.com/rock/qa/qa.htm